Its the holidays... I refuse to let these people bring me down though they are REALLY trying HARD! Shit has been crazy around here and it really shocks me at how disgusting and just vile people can be. Either I am really spiritually growing or people are going backwards because to me they are barely above animals at this point! ( so disappointing) This greedy ass landlord is taking is to court trying to get us evicted which is straight up evil to do right around the holidays... hes Jewish and he made sure to take off and enjoy his holiday and now has come after us now that his festivities are over. Im tired of the threatening letters coming here! Supposedly the people in charge of grandmas guardianship are handling it but everytime there seems to be new paperwork in the mailbox.. Its like people dont make any sense anymore and im really fucking fed up with my moms pessimism, bitching moaning and negativity! I mean damn! especially when she has not even lifted a finger to call anyone or fax papers or speak to the people handling it! (why am I stuck doing all this shit? my name is not even involved in any of this!) Why the hell are you all a hot mess scared and worried yet you dont do your part and see whats going on? She has not looked into getting her own place and seeing if she can get a emergency loan.. she has not called the guardianship and see what they are supposedly doing about this.. I spoke to them, I faxed the papers! This nasty ass greedy landlord is not backing down... though he really has no argument! I dont understand how anyone is even taking him seriously! I ask myself is this a damn joke? Why is anyone even paying this fool any mind? hes wasting resources! The rent has been paid on time every time, its nobodys fault Grandma has dementia and her guardianship is no longer in her hands. Who the hell cares if shes not signing the rent check anymore? So what shes been away to receive care so that when she returns she will be in stable condition?? Her belongings are still here, her mail still comes here, he has been receiving rent, there have been no complaints and its been COURT ORDERED that she is returning home as soon as they get her the medical stuff she needs. This grubby ass landlord is really trying to evict her so that she does not come back! Hes been harassing her, sending threatening mailings here.. its absurd! Hes trying to argue that she does not live here and shes not coming back, um she is coming back and this is still her legal residence and so now hes trying to be sneaky and is trying to evict her! Thats fucking evil, she will be 81! where the hell is she supposed to go because she cant stay in that nursing home!?? id love to ask his dumb ass where the hell is she supposed to go? How about to her Apt where she has STILL been paying rent and receiving mail! Its no different than if she would have went abroad for a while or owned a house and still paid rent here! Whats his fucking problem? his problem is GREED! He says because me and mom are here the rent is more than double... um we have to be here because of her condition, shes unable to live alone or does he want her to burn the whole damn building down? (would serve him right!) In fact one of the conditions for her returning is that she have 2 hour supervision, so hes pissed that he cant double or triple the rent! So now hes trying to evict her ass! I have never met such a greedy evil nasty little man... how cruel can you be? He does not know whats going on, we gave up a lot to be able to have her come home, my mother and I both hate this building, hate this apt and these fucking nosy ass gossiping neighbors... I would gladly move away if I had somewhere else to go! Hell im not even working because I may have to be available at certain times to take care of her when she comes home! My bills are all piled sky fucking high! It also seems like I will never have a social life again since I will be stuck babysitting as long as grandma lives here! Im giving up a lot and its not fair to a girl my age! I mean WTF I would like to work and get married... have friends! Who the hell wants to be a shut in while in their 20's? This shit is not easy! Her fucking kids are no help! she damn sure cant go live with any of them! Im so sick of this shit but I refuse to let the stress kill me, Ive been in the hospital way too many times already! This is disgusting, he has no legal leg to even stand on yet these idiots keep entertaining him! If I were a judge I would have thrown his claim out already! I would have told him to grow a soul! Stop being so damn greedy and evil. Plus this place is no paradise! This greedy ass landlord employs cheap (possibly illegal) workers, they barely keep light bulbs in the hallways, the bells dont work, the buildings are dirty. Im young but even I suspect hes bribing people or something because how the FUCK does this building EVER pass inspection?!! Hes so busy trying to rip off elderly people so he can cram stupid new city implants into these crusty ass apts while charging about $2000 a month! (no wonder you have 5-6 people  and more in some of these apts) This man is disgustingly greedy.. I dont know his financial situation.. maybe he is struggling.. maybe not but there has to be a line.. where are his morals? He wants anyone on rent control out of here and he has no shame about it... meantime hes does NOTHING to this building or these apartments to make them worth damn near $2,000 a month. I wish I could just up and buy a house or something... I wish i could make grandmas no good ass sons do the right thing but I cant! I wish I could make most people do the right damn thing! This is too stressful =( I hope karma kicks this guys ass.. maybe this world is just so foul Grandma decided she had to half check out.. and thus the dementia... whats fucked up is im locked into this situation... My resources are exhausted... I cant just run away like all the other grandkids... I cant go get a emergency loan, I dont have a boyfriend I could live with...  whats fucked up is all these people who gossiped and talked shit are the people who claim to care about grandma but thanks to them shes possibly getting evicted! I hope they are happy! Their nosy asses went back and spread rumors saying shes not coming back, we stole her apt all that bullshit thats not true! after all how would they know? They dont know what was going on, they were not at these meetings and in court etc, they had No fucking clue what was going on! All they knew is that they saw us in the apt! Thanks to all that shit they talked and their fucking gossip now she may get evicted and let me guess is grandma invited to come live with any of them? i dont fucking think so! I hope they all get what they deserve! Especially my lying ass unckle who really is the one who got the landlord on our backs! talking all that shit to him as if he actually had a damn clue what was going on here when his lying ass lives about 1,000 miles away! If grandma gets evicted let me guess is she going to go live with him and his wife down south? I bet you she would be in a nursing home or shelter first! they wont be having it! So its like thanks a lot you fuck up! Now she could lose her apt because you wanted to be a trouble starting penis! because you wanted to get back at my mother! Guess what my mother can get a emergency loan, she can go get a new place to live!  GRANDMA will be the one assed out! So this is all a load of BS.. it really is and ive had enough... I hate these people... people are just disgusting! I dont even know what to do with myself anymore.. what the hell is wrong with these "Adults" so damn incompetent.. failures in every way! I refuse to lose sleep and cry about it. I just pray for God to remove me from the situation now... It also teaches me that some way some how I must find a way to OWN a home because this renting shit is no good, these people really have too much control and power over your life! I dont want to be a renter forever! Especially when I am old! 81 years old (almost) and someone can have her shit thrown out and her thrown out on her ass just because they feel like it! What a disgusting ass world we live in! I wish grandma would have been smart enough to buy a home so she would not have had to rely on these fucked up people! With all the rent shes paid in 50+ years she could have owned something! At least a Condo! When you own shit people cant just do what they want, all the gossip and lies and speculations in the world... would not have gotten her into this situation. She could have had a home and it could have been paid for right now. People who rent but never own are fools... I dont want to be a fool. I want a little security in life even if I had to buy a house overseas! I dont want to be at the mercy of these low lifes. if I were the landlord I just would have left the situation alone once I verified that she was indeed coming back. I would have been happy for her ( i mean damn she is 80 how much longer does she really have to live? Not another 40 years im sure so his greedy ass WILL get this fucking apt anyway! whats the fucking big deal?) I would have just handled this situation with class, while knowing I would get the apt back sooner rather than later anyway! if he came to me and mom and said hey.. when she passes away or leaves permanently you guys cant get this price, its $2,000 a month or get out,. does he really think we would have a problem with that? Hell no! We dont want to live here anyway! He does not handle his landlord responsibilities such as fixing the bells, people partying on the roof (illegal) lying ass signs saying there are cameras when there are NOT. Dark dirty hallways, shitty heat... This place is not worthy of the neighborhood! Me and my mother are not trying to keep this Apt, I would not want it if it were free! The people in this building are rude and noisy the super is a terrible probably illegal worker! They have not fixed 1 damn thing in this apt! This place was run better before this scumbag owned it! Even then we moved outta here a long time ago! It was terrible having to come back here but you sacrifice for family... people that you love! We have been here cleaning and preparing for her to come back! Her dementia caused her to trash this apt! My mom works and I was sick for a long time... Just has surgery the last week of Oct.. 2 more doctors appointments this month! Ive been stuck with the cleaning all buy myself..  Ive been the one de-cluttering this place and making it more "child proof" Hell Im doing this landlord a favor or does he really want her to flood or burn this damn place down because shes here alone trying to cook or something! meantime ive been looking for work and handling my own problems.. we have been through ENOUGH. I have no respect for this landlord... I really dont! He needs to grow a soul! Im not Jewish but im sure he was taught better than this! If he is representative of the Jewish people..... I feel sorry for them! H has no heart, no soul!  We are 3 women on our own trying to make miracles out of mud and he just wont get off our backs! We are upstanding citizens, no criminal records.. college educated all American people just trying to hunker down and do what we have to do given the circumstances! Its not easy on anyone...  This has not been easy on anybody involved! He has no respect, its like dude did you even have a mother or grandmother?? Why would you be like this? You would not appreciate it if someone was doing this to you or your family! Especially around the holidays! I dont even know why he cant be patient! I bet hes even fucked up enough to be praying for her death.. since hes nasty enough to call her at the center of light telling her hes going to "throw her shit out and evict her" *sigh* What am I to do... I really dont even know....anymore... I really dont know.... all I can do is take it one day at a time... I swear I should just get my hands on a couple thousand dollars and buy a one way ticket to Europe or something... America is fucking up... im very unhappy about the things going on here! Its like this beloved country of mine is trying to kill me! Kill me before I even get started as a young person.. I feel trapped and like the walls are caving in on me. I feel so powerless.. and I would love to ask that landlord.. would YOU like to live with someone who  is physically fine but has dementia? (plus you dont even know my grandma.. and think about it her own damn sons dont even want her living with them, and did not want her living with them before she got sick so you figure it out!) No? I didnt think so! Do you think this was on my fucking bucket list in life? Do you think anyone my age would want the life that is coming to me?? and would you want some greedy ass bastard making shit even harder on you then it has to be?? No? I did not think so smfh!  I swear I hate people... these generations before me have TRULY failed me and should I survive their Bullshit.. I vow to be NOTHING like them! All they have shown me is how NOT to be....

OMG

OMG I met My LOVE!!! Peter Facinelli!!!  I LOVE that man!!!!! Apparently he and some director worked on a comic book and he had a signing in LA, I begged him to come to NY and he did! He was at mid town comics in downtown Manhattan, I went to go see him! All I had to do was purchase a comic, (it was only $4)  He and the other guy signed the comic and you were allowed to sign 1 personal item! My sister is in school so I could not bring her, I was going to go by myself but my moms friend has a 12 year old daughter who is a Twilight fanatic so I took her. (Twilight is okay... I had never heard of it till the movies came out, I just love Peter lol) So we went and it was awesome!! I admit I did not read the comic yet beyond 2 pages lol. But its cool because the lead girl is BLACK!!! Thats so cool!!! She resembles me a little too. (Just a little) Peter follows me under his 2 non official accounts (Dr. Coop and Carlisle Cullen) But OMG First of all he is GORGEOUS I mean jaw dropping gorgeous!!!! Most celebs dont look all that in person due to photoshop etc.. but that man is fucking stunning and he did not have on a face full of makeup! 2nd of all hes SO sweet!! Hes really friendly and his smile is to die for and im still on cloud 9!!! We were one of the first 10 people there! (yay for leaving home early lol) He was only there for 1 hour. I dont have a printer and i did not have a photo of him or any of those twilight movies or dvds or posters etc So... lol I gave him a Boobaliscious photo of ME to sign LOL!!! I wish he could have signed my real boobs but they would not let him do that lol I told him that and he laughed! When he saw that photo he was like "oh wow" with a big ass grin on his face LOL. (it caught him off guard because everyone had photos of him and twilight stuff for him to sign) I was the only person he got up close and personal with! His manager was looking at me like wow (I went looking really nice! I even whipped out the MAC eyeliner and I was not all dolled up like I wanted to be because I had to leave early to go pick up the 12 year old) We were the only black people there lol and she was 12 so nobody was looking at her. His manager offered to take my phone and snap the photo (which is what they were doing for everyone but I said no) i mean hell the Iphone DOES have a front camera so what the hell do I need him for lol. And I took a photo then Peter hugged me and we chatted for a sec and he took my phone and Snapped 2 more!!!AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH So Yes he held my phone, He put his arm around me, we also were cheek to cheek DIES and I gave him my blue sharpie to sign my boobs (the picture lol) and he was like oh wow blue is my favorite color. LOL he kept my sharpie!! (they had him using a black one) I wanted that back but its okay lol, so he signed my photo twice and both men signed my book. Afterwards me and the 12 year old went to 7-eleven  then we went home. but OMG he was just smiling at me n shit and that man is beyond beautiful and he smells sooo good and he dresses so nice and he was really just a sweet guy! I did not expect him to be so bubbly and sweet! I also did not expect him to be so friendly!!!  Its funny how when I got home I finally took a look at the comic and I saw that the black female character looked a lot like me LOL No wonder he and the manager were looking at me like that! (I had no clue what the comic was about) Part of me will always wonder if he based her off of me (since im always harassing him on twitter lol) and I know for a fact hes seen my tweets, so much so he followed back on 2 other accounts. I even tweeted him telling him I would be there. It was almost like "its finally nice to meet you" kinda thing. But UGHHHHH hes so fine!!!! And he really was honest saying his fave color is blue because his jacket was blue, his shirt was blue his undies were blue LOL. he does really love blue. and omg his eyes are the prettiest blue eyes I have ever seen! Hes really stunning to look at. Hes not as tall as i thought he was, he def has to be under 6 ft, but hes still taller than me lol. Hes so handsome! and just naturally so because you can tell hes not packing a 6 pack or super muscles but hes in decent shape, hes not a artificial hot. His hair was not perfect, he was not trying too hard, the man is just beautiful, even if he was not famous women would be drooling over him! I am SO happy I met him <3 I would LOVE to meet him again!!! If he ever is where I can meet him I would! Hes so damn hot I was speechless and my heart was racing a thousand miles a hour, I really did not expect him to actually look that good LOL he looks better than he does on TV! Most celebrities dont look as good in person, I would say he looks just as good if not better! Im just still in shock, we were cheek to cheek and that smile he gave me was 100000% real, he liked me lol he even called me sweet <3 (I died inside) and he liked my photo lol he said oh wow (and a big ass Kool-aid smile came across his face lol) He did not get nearly as chummy with anyone else. What a hunk though! so much so that every other guy is such a disappointment lol! Why cant all guys be like that???!!!! Yesterday was AMAZING! I wont forget it anytime soon! Maybe he will do a Broadway show next? Im hoping he will do a soap opera lol. I wish he were more famous than he is but I really pray he is just happy, there is a thing as too much fame and he does have kids so... I want him to ust be happy and have a happy life. Some celebs get too famous and end up on some shit or letting the fame get to their heads.. he does not need that. I hope he stays the same no matter where life takes him and if he ever needs a wife I VOLUNTEER!!! I know he likes chocolate LOL!!! Anyhoo thats all for now I have so much to do and I am testing this stupid blog out. This may or may not be my new personal blog. 

Um I forgot I had this site.. Xanga is shutting down to maybe I will use this... Its just confusing and nowhere near as easy as Xanga.. we will see..

Why the double standard?

As a young black American woman I often find myself asking.... Why the double standard? What do I mean? I feel like there is a double standard when it comes to black women.. a completely ridiculous unfair unwritten yet socially accepted one.

How come when a black woman does something funky with her hair or clothing... something totally eccentric shes automatically ghetto? Yet let a Asian or white girl do it and shes "Stylish" shes "creative" shes "trendsetting or thinking outside the box" its ridiculous.. for example weaves that come in crazy colors and those long over the top nails.. (I say that shit is ghetto no matter who its on, sorry white and asian girls!) also can i say they steal that style.. blacks came up with it first.. Black women have always been bold with their fashions etc..


but this is not ghetto?



Another example Bold jewelry, Tattoos.. let a black woman wear a ring on every finger or wear large earrings and its "Tacky" the jewelry is assumed to be "fake" if shes tatted up shes "Hood" or "masculine" Yet when girls of other races do it they get positive responses.. its "trendy" or "creative" Why the double standard? And why is this the social norm? Why is this socially accepted?

Ghetto??? why because shes black? Come on!!

I think shes Ghetto!! The damn pimp dog/ rat fur coat says ghetto to me! but No shes stylish smh...

Why does everything a black female does somehow end up with a negative connotation? its like we can not win! Its annoying and its not right! It makes me angry! Here is the biggest example the one that makes me most angry:

Weave and Body parts.... Why is it when a black female wears a weave its a negative thing.. she gets teased or made fun of.. people assume shes bald.. the comedians have whole routines about black women and weave.. Yet when I see hair weave being sold on the Home Shopping Network guess which color sells out first? BLOND! Caucasian women wear more weave then black women simply because black women only make up for 12% of the population in America! When a white or non black gets a weave they are "extensions" somehow its ok, its classy its funky its glamorous.. um a weave is a weave
why rip apart one type of woman and not the rest? Is it just me or did the movie "Good Hair" Piss you off too? I still want to punch Chris Rock into tomorrow!!

Body parts... ok so now a big ass is sexy? Now its cute? Now darker skin is "In"? Please!! remember how black women were degraded for having curves and ass? They called us fat, degraded us made fun of us.. it took men like Sir Mix a lot to come out with a damn song to say to women of color its good to have ass.. Yet Lord and behold Jlo.. a non black comes around with some junk in the trunk and all of a sudden its cute its sexy.. We had ass before Jlo.. Why is it Black features are "Disgusting" or "ugly" or "taboo" until a Non black has them? Then all of a sudden its "sexy" and "coveted" a"Must have" as long as you are not black.. (like Ugly ass Kim Kardashian! She has stolen every black feature known to man but shes sexy? and I dont care how much she lies shes had work done) Amber Rose is sexy? Every Female that is not black but buys black womens features/ sleeps with black men are sexy yet black females are so ugly?? If a black woman shaves off her hair or has short hair (like Egyptian queens have done for centuries!) shes " a bald headed bitch that can`t grow hair" but when White females shave their heads or have short hair (Amber rose, Sinade Oconnor) its bold its a statement shes brave its elegant, shes sexy, she shaved it by choice,she can grow her her long if she wanted.. What the FUCK is that about?? It Angers me!!

i have natural curves.. how is that ugly?
How are my real big boobs ugly? But Pam Andersons fakes are hot? Fuck outta here!!

I naturally have a big ass yet its supposed to be ugly on me but sexy on a White Asian or Latina? Fuck that!!

Women pay millions of dollars to steal what I have naturally, yet its beautiful on them and "ugly" on me? I dont fucking think so!! This double standard needs to drop dead! I dont understand how people want to be black but dont want the stigma.. They want thick hair, full lips round hips, darker skin, big breast, a big ass... they steal our fashion and anything else we come up with like words and slang.. but they dont want the negative shit they give us like the stigma shame and insecurity! They dont want to be racially profiled and put down... whats wrong with this picture?
Bitch Please! your "beauty" is Fake.. Faux! And I see the tracks in your weave!

HAHAHA!! I dont need that thanks...

Because of BS like this people just ASSUME black women are all ugly.. all from one region in the world, and more. They assume we are all aggressive or violent. No matter what I wear people either hate me for it, try to look away or want to assume its fake. One time I had on a diamond pendant and a white girl walked right up to me to my face and said "How can you afford that?" Not even Hi or Excuse me.. she did it just like that (Racist bitch!) Why can`t I own and deserve the finer things? (she was mad because I could afford it and she could not.. Jealousy is a nasty disease..)
I own these!

and I own costume jewelry

Sadly I can not answer the question that I asked.. I do not know why there is such a nasty double standard.. However I do know that maybe this blog will help. Maybe people I encounter will open their mind and change. Some people are racist without ever even knowing it. Maybe I can make a difference! I do know I will keep living my life and I will not let people get me down. If I have to break stereotypes one by one person by person then I will.

I would tell people to stop being ignorant! In 2011 its really not cute anymore. Treat people as individuals. Things work out better that way. I would tell Black women the following: The ones who help fuel the negativity really need to stop I wish I could open up a reform school smh.. But To all my black beauties.... keep your head up! Things will change.. don`t stop being yourself. Sometimes you just have to roll with the punches but they make you stronger. Find people who love you for you and who are intelligent enough to treat you the way you deserve to be treated based on your actions. Tumblr is a great positive place for Black women, so many blogs celebrating real black beauty (not women who look like monsters and happen to be black) Know who you are and OWN it, do not depend on a damn magazine written by gay men and jealous ugly older Caucasian women dictate what is beautiful! (the editors of these magazines are ALWAYS ugly older white women.. I dont know why...) Own your beauty, own your fashion sense.. Keep positive and strut your stuff! Just life life because hey.. when big asses are no longer "in style" or "cute" I know my booty will still be there, so its always going to be cute and sexy to me because I am stuck with it! I don`t give a damn about whats "hot" and "trendy" its always something different and who is going to change their bodies with the times to please some stranger who runs a magazine? Not me!! So whatever I have is In!

Let people say what they want, I am proud of myself. They can say what they want behind my back. If i wear a weave I hold my head up because I am just as good if not better than the white chick next to me who is also wearing a weave ooops i mean "extensions". Just because they dont pick on her does not mean shit! I Refuse to be bullied for being Black! If I want to wear big ass earrings let them call me "Shaniqua or Ghetto" yet when a Asian girl or White girl does it shes "Bold" and its a "statement earring" Im strong enough to take the hits shake it off and KNOW I look better than them anyway!


The Media Bullies black women badly.. tells us we are unwanted or not good enough.. that we need to starve ourselves or bleach ourselves.. that we are ugly(cus they only show ugly ones on TV.. ones who usually are not even American!).. and a whole host of negative things.. but despite all that We STILL are confident!! So what does that say about us? I also wish they would stop playing with statistics.. like how they say more black women get abortions.. Not true! Why? because again.. Black females only make up 12% of the population so Whites actually get more abortions and more of them are poor and on welfare! POW!!
Anyway I just had to rant about this.. If someone does not talk about it things will not change. Stay beautiful!! XOXOXOXO<3

yeah its "extensions" and what??!!

Coming up: A Rant about how I am AMERICAN!! Not West Indian or African!! There is a difference culturally and Physically!!